Sometimes, I think everything could actually be different.
When I truly think about my existence, there’s a lot I find that quite doesn’t make sense. It seems like I’m always doing things in order not to upset others, not to hurt them, not to let them down, not to shock them. Yes, always them. It seems like I’m not doing a thing for myself. And when I try to, I always think about how they will react.
If we really examine this wisely, we’ll see that I’m the fool that’s always too worried about others to worry about herself.
At certain points of my existence, I honestly feel like a complete fake: I can’t stand saying exactly what I think, and get a terrific feed-back. I always did it, one or two years ago, when I truly didn’t care about anyone. At college, things are quite different, and I just didn’t want to make enemies at the first shot. I wanted to be sociable, to talk to people. Therefore, I absolutely couldn’t say that, at first, I only seemed to like one or two people of my class.
I honestly wonder why I choose the Arts field. No, I was not pleasing someone, since all my colleagues chose Sciences, and I was also going to leave the school. I remember the first poems I wrote, but I can’t remember the day I woke up and wanted to be an architect, or why I chose it. I just can’t.
But here is the point: sometimes I think that my life could be exactly what I want it to be. And that feeling brings me a whole new sense of freedom. Not that I know what I want but, just knowing that this can be what I want makes everything better.
Sometimes at the train, I just stare at that blue, magnificent sea, take a breath and smile. I know that I can be different, if I try. I think that I could run a fashion magazine and have a nice touch computer on the table of my office, like those we see on TV. I think I actually could be appreciated by who I am and what I do, as long as I’m committed to it.
Sometimes I even think about throwing a bucket of ink at this blog, and paint it all white. I know that someday I’ll just lose my mind and do it.
[So yes, I think that, in a short period of time, I’ll just do what modernists did in the beginning of 20th century: face design as true commitment, and not just as a thing to spare time]