an aiming to be designer, with the soul of a writer

Tag: departure

Letting Go

Unexplained, unpredictable, evident yet unsaid farewells are, definitely, the worst ones – exactly because you struggle, day after day, night after night, loosing hours of sleep and wasting inner tears trying to find a reason, and your search leads you to… nowhere.

Yes, I admit that was always something I had to handle with: the absence of words [which is ironic, since words are exactly what I most have, in my mind] and that always bothered me. I wonder where did I go wrong and, obviously, I feel stuck right over there, looking around, looking everywhere, searching every single thing and finding nothing.

I wonder if I wasn’t supposed – simply – to let go and move on; to forget it all and start over; to stop thinking about all of it and begin to build new thoughts, new reminders, new memories. So, if I actually I’m supposed to do it, I wish I could.

I wish I could simply let go – which is, exactly, something I don’t ever feel able to. Letting go is such a hard thing to do, specially for someone like me, who enjoys the unforgettable things and feeds them several times a day, even when they’re not good.

How can a person start over, or, at least, mend, accept the present, and continue to live and quit melancholy? I wish I knew, and could do it. In the meantime, I’ll simply wonder.


William or Words To My Beloved

I wish I would know how to start this, my love. I wish I would.

I wish I had you right next to me, instead of needing to write this – that’s the truth, the actual one. The truth that holds no lie, no omission – nothing but all I’ve always hide and denied.

I miss you, William – more than words can describe. It’s been a long, long time since the last time I saw you; since the last time your smile brightened my existence just for being around; since your eyes caught mine and I felt so embarrassed I had to look away, fearing that you could notice the brightness I wasn’t allowed to avoid.

I wish I had been allowed to say how much I care for you, that I didn’t have to restrain myself every time I wanted to be in your arms.

Oh William, how I wish things could have been different – you’ve no idea of how much.

But no, I can’t stay, love, even though it breaks me into small pieces. I can’t stand the idea of giving you what I’ve got, and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I ever got to hurt you. I just can’t, William.

Of course I don’t seem to be able to forgive myself for this, for not being good enough to have you, for being broken and needing time to figure out who I am, to mend and move on.

I’m so sorry, William, so sorry. Specially because I know you’d say you’d help me to find all the answers I need, and I simply can’t take that offer. I can’t put you into the situation I’ve already handled – trying to heal someone who needs time and reflection.

Don’t even try to think I don’t love you, William. Please, don’t – I loved you since the first time you smiled at me, a long, long time ago. And that’s exactly why I don’t want to cause you pain.

Still, I miss you. And, to be honest, if I could, I’d go back in time and tell you about my feelings while you were near me, while, in a certain way, I had you. But no: one, I can’t turn back time; and two, I never told you because I was afraid to lose you.

Anyway, I ended up loosing you. And now, you’re gone without a clear reason, without a word. Now, I’m alone, missing you despite having figured out I need to be on my own to pick up the pieces and rebuilt my existence.

I never thought I’d lose you, love. Not like this. Not when I thought everything would change, that I’d feel whole again. Not when I had finally found exactly what I’ve always searched. Not when you looked at me that way and I knew, I truly knew you loved me back. Not when I tried to extend each and every single farewell. Not when I wanted to be in your arms, endlessly. Not when we had such a beautiful, tender connection.

I never thought it would end up like this, the way I’d never imagine, the non obvious way, the one I’d never saw coming closer.

We had everything to be great – if I wasn’t that broken and needed to be certain about my own choices. We had, not anymore.

At this time, I can only wish that, one day, when I’m completely aware of myself, it could be different, and we’re finally allowed to be with each other, like we truly wanted to.

In the meantime, I’ll be away.

I’ll miss you, love. Everyday. But it’s the best thing to do, and the best time to do it. I need to clear my mind. I just couldn’t delay it anymore.

First and foremost, I need to know who I am, what I want to do, where do I see myself in a few years, which are my dreams and fight for them with all I’ve got, with all my soul.

Then, I’ll feel good enough to return.

After Birthday Considerations

Some things just happen when you quit planning them.

I’ve always been one of those planning freaks, I confess. There was not a single date that I didn’t plan ahead, thinking of every detail, every word, every move. Turns out, when the day came, it couldn’t be further from my plan, and I just felt so bad, because I was never able to achieve what I’ve dreamt.

My last birthday – three days ago – was just like that. I’ve planned it all, and I there was not even one match with my plan.

This year, I kept it simple, exactly for being aware of the enormous differences between reality and my very own utopia. I arranged a small dinner, with my best friends – they weren’t allowed to come. I ended up having lunch with my parents, at the mall and having dinner at home, just like every other day. And in the last few hours of the day, I’ve been talking with my best friend from college.

The dinner with my two friends on saturday became a lunch, yesterday. And yes, it was nice.

It’s been a while since the last time they’ve been in my house. They were only here for a few hours, but now, I always feel like they’ll just appear in my room, or leave the balcony. Now, I’ve got that thing of looking outside, to the balcony where they’ve been yesterday, because it’s like they’re still there. It’s a cosy feeling, and I just adore it.

Nevertheless, in a few moments, there was that weird, uncomfortable silence between me and one of my friends [I guess we can call him B]. It’s so different when we go out alone, without his sister – my best friend [let’s call her D, shall we?!]. Sometimes, when we’re together – the three of us – it seems like there’s an insurmountable barrier between me and B, an entire ocean of things we actually wanted to say to each other, but we can’t, since we’re not alone.

It’s so disturbing. And then comes the time when they go home, and I watch them leave. That’s the very moment when I feel an immense emptiness, as if I was loosing a part of myself.

I often feel like those women whose beloved ones left in a ship, with a one-way ticket, just like I said in Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character.

When he is leaving, sometimes I try not to stare, since, once in a while, I feel like I’d just lose my mind, follow him, and never let him go again. Most of the times, I actually look, though – I just can’t avoid. And with each step he takes, the sense of emptiness increases.

Sometimes I wish it could be just a little bit simpler, and that we could spend more time together, philosophizing, deeply talking about ourselves and our very own ways of observing the world. I wish I didn’t have to stare at him without a word, when the entire world is around us.

I wish we were together in rainy days, just like we did before, walking under my umbrella, since that allowed us to create a brand new and personal world that was just ours, and share moments that felt like a wonderful lifetime.

I wish I could hold him, and never feel like Penelope again. It’s a quite tiring feeling, after all.

Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character

It’s honestly weird when things go out of your control. You imagine something, you define a path, you grasp the visual effect – just like they do in the movies – and everything works, there’s not even one piece that doesn’t match your artistic puzzle.

But then, the unexpected happens and you just see your scenes fall to the ground, burn into ashes.

Despite you’ve felt angry, a few hours later that sense of emptiness will definitely arrive.

Have you ever been invited one hour before the beginning of the event? If you did, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

No, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a normal thing I’ve already said I couldn’t do but, still, people warn me minutes before the meeting. And, notice, that was the second time it occurred.

To say the truth, there’s nothing I wanted to do more than screaming at the person, but I couldn’t. I would, I honestly would if I had nothing to lose, and if I knew for sure I wouldn’t regret that decision.

Despite that, after all, I just felt empty. Empty, because I do talk, socialize, go out and have fun, but always have the feeling that something is missing.

Empty, because I’ve seen this happening before. Moreover, I don’t want this movie to end just like the previous ones. I don’t want a remake. I want a new piece, a fresh start to be seen with a bucket of popcorn, instead of something I’ve seen over and over again, making me sleepy.

I wish I didn’t feel this whole inside of me, that huge lack of support you feel when you’re sixty and you’re tired of being alone.

It’s like I’ve just went to the sea and watch my beloved one leave on a ship, without knowing if he’ll ever return. Yes, that’s the movie I haven’t seen – I don’t remember the departure. I only recall the emptiness of those ancient stories, like Penelope, and much more Penelope’s that remained unknown, unnamed, perfect Jane Does.

I feel like them, in spite I’m not embroidering a tapestry during the day, and undoing it at night. I just wait by the sea, feeling that calm and cold breeze waving my hair; my eyes staring at the water, while time passes without a sound, and I simply remain still.

[No, I haven’t found the photograph in the internet: I took it, a few days ago and absolutely fell in love with that place… ]