sketchablepaperfold

an aiming to be designer, with the soul of a writer

Tag: friends

About Emptiness

“Stolen images. Can you picture it, the life we could have lived?”

Today, I feel quite empty, and I don’t know why. I’ve looked at the calendar and strived to find a memory, a glimpse of any image, word or moment that could make all of this understandable. Still, I found nothing.

College related stuff overwhelm me so much that I don’t even have the strength to write, to think. No, nowadays, thinking is way too hard, and I deliberately choose not to do it. Well, that actually might be the reason why I feel so bad today. Yes, it makes sense.

Emptiness, such a cutting word. Each and every letter echo in my hollow being, hurting more and more.

I should be hysterical. Yes, I should, but I’m not.

Last week I had my first show. My pieces were shown for the first time on a catwalk, and it felt so right, so right I could simply remember of all the moments I thought about giving up Fashion to dedicate to something else, and to thank everything for deciding not to give up.

And it felt great until the moment I realised that no one I invited was there. And then, it all become empty. Well, not that empty, since my best friends where there, and arrived in the exact moment I got more anxious. Of course, I couldn’t do anything but to almost throw myself in the arms of the one that can, actually, make me feel calmer.

But everyone else was missing, including the ones I lost along the way and, exactly for that, I didn’t even invite – specially D and B, whose absence still bothers me. That and the lack of a boyfriend, of the usual sense of family, and so on.

It feels bad, and I feel terrible. And yes, I think it’s worse because I’ve done – as usual – everything to cover it, to deny that I was hurt, injured, and now, I just don’t seem to be able to keep with that strategy.

Last year, I actually found time to write down my thoughts and feelings. Now, I don’t do it anymore. I don’t have time or courage to do it, to put words on the paper, giving them a tangible existence. It’s always easier to think I just need to go out, dance and forget it all, and that has been exactly what I’ve been doing in the last months.

To be honest, college is going pretty well, but with everything else, it feels like nothing, as if it didn’t matter at all. Yet, I know it’s important, because since a few days before the show, I was truly happy, bright and shiny – something I haven’t felt for a long, long, long time.

And today – well, to be honest, it started yesterday – , I know that I need to work, and I don’t feel like I’ll be able to do it. I’ve been delaying my own deadlines since last friday, and now, I can’t do it anymore.

Oddly, I feel better now. I feel like I’ll actually succeed at listening to my work’s soundtrack, and to work in a productive way.

[Yet, being myself, is it that odd that I’m better now than in the moment I began?!]

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The First ’12 Post

Well, to say the truth, I planned to say goodbye to 2011 and hello! to 2012 right here, at WordPress. Yet, of course, I lost all of my ideas for the last & first writing moment of the year.

I can’t even believe that’s already 2012. I don’t feel like the year has changed. Instead, I feel like this is a typical saturday night spent at home, while my mom is asleep and my dad has just went to bed. I haven’t felt that emotion on the last seconds of 2011, my heart almost skipping a beat while getting closer to 2012. I haven’t seen all my future in those 10 seconds. To be honest, I haven’t seen nothing at all – I was just staring at the numbers as someone who sees the numbers of that unknown lottery that no one bought and had no prize. They were just numbers, and not the numbers that would switch the year on every electronic device we’ve got.

I really felt that Christmas had been oddly calm. Of course, all the mess came together on New Year’s Eve.

I believe that this was, possible, the weirdest NYE I’ve ever lived – at least, it was the one when I truly felt I should be somewhere else, with my friends, instead of being at home, by the fireplace. And that caught me in such an overwhelming way that I lost all the fun, the emotion and so on related to this night. Oh, communication, why are so hard to handle?!

I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could work, or sleep, or write, but I don’t seem to find the strength and/or the words to do it. I wish this was somewhere else, and I could just stare outside without a single word on my mind, or simply melt into the floor.

Or, better, I wish this night could have been what I wanted it be, and I could be on a nice dress & heels, with my best friends and, of course, R., in our almost hometown [the city where we study and absolutely love], having the greatest night ever and, of course, the best New Year’s Eve and beggining of New Year ever.

Oh, how I wish everything could be simpler and I could be there.

[Does that even count as a New Year Wish?! ]

The Unsent Letter

[This will be a different sort of post. I confess that it’s stuck on my throat, and I don’t seem to be able to handle it anymore without writing. I believe it’s called addiction, right?!]

Diane,

I don’t even know exactly how I should start this, which words should I use to say everything that’s been compressed in my throat for a while.

I have no idea how we’ve come this far. It’s been almost a month since the last time we spoke. A month, you know?! An entire month.

I got worried, I wrote you. Short sentences, few words, I know, but that’s all I could do. If you were really trying to be away, or if something was actually happening, you wouldn’t feel like talking or writing for hours – I know that. I tried to reach you in different ways, different days, so that you didn’t feel pressured. You never replied.

I would try to go to your place, but I know that also wouldn’t work. So, I was just left with staying here. Nothing to say, nothing to do but to wait. Wait, without knowing how long it would take for you to even mention that you were alive. Without knowing what was happening, after all.

I wish you would, at least, give me some answers. Some real answers, you know?! At least, once.

Yes, I wish I had them. Because being here, without having the smallest idea of what’s going on in your head to be away for so long really stinks. You’ve no idea of how much.

Where the hell are you, Di? Where did you go? Where the hell is my best friend?

Really, where is she?! I haven’t seen her in a long, long while. And, to say the truth, I’m tired. Extremely tired of waiting. Waiting for you to give me a word, an answer. Waiting, at least, for you to have the smallest hint of how much I care, and how much this bothers me.

You know, sometimes I feel like screaming at you, so that you could, at least, try to grasp how tired I am of being the second in line, the one who gives it all, and doesn’t seem to get a single thing in return. I wish I could scream you a WAKE UP!, so that you could understand what you’re doing, and how angry and frustrated I feel.

Go ahead, tell me that you’ve got a busy life [just like you actually did, a few minutes ago]. Ask me again why the hell am I asking you to send an invitation for a meeting through an old-style train. Grasp the differences within my words, and ask me again why am I saying that sort of thing. Yeah, you’ve seen it. You noticed that it was slightly different from my usual, didn’t you? Ask again. Do it, just ask.

And in that very moment, I would only wish you were in front of me so that I could explain it. So that I could put everything in the simplest words, once and for all, with all the almost raw emotions I never allowed you to see. So that you could finally see that, after all, I’m made of flesh and bone, and my blood is still running. Just like my best friend in college said [yes, best friend] “People tend to think I’m too calm the like, but then, they cross their limits and just get shocked when I react.” I subscribe each and every single word he said.

You crossed the limit of the line I drew a long, long time ago. You were always worried about being with those creatures that weren’t even your friends. I have to spend time with them, you used to say, in a guilty expression. On the inside, I only laughed. A lot, actually. You had to spend time with those whores. And what about me?! The one who was always around when you needed anything, anything at all. No, I was a decent, reasonable person and I was completely able to understand how hard your life was.

I never said I had a busy life. Ever. And, probably, most of the times you tried to reach me, I was busy, and deeling with a huge amount of things at the same time. But I would quit whatever I was doing, and give my full attention to you.

See, that’s exactly why you thought it was weird for me not to say the usual it’s all right, darling. You are used to have the passive Amy, the one that’s always waiting for the chance to help, and then, to be left. Forget that, I’m just tired of it.

Ask me, ask me why I said that. And I’ll only say that you were never able to express gratitude for any of my words, attitudes, and the like. I was always worried about you, while you were worried about not letting anyone else down but me.

It’d be a whole new world if you actually read this, wouldn’t? You probably blame me for being fake, wouldn’t you? But try to think the other way around: did you ever give me the space, the opportunity to say it? To tell Hell, I don’t agree! No, you didn’t, right?

So, just don’t get shocked. Sooner or later, I’d lose it. Everyone knows that. I’ve handled it while I could, more than what I could. Yet, now, I couldn’t do it. Not anymore.

Old Nostalgia

I usually tend to feel older than what I actually am. This is just one of those days.

I was just sneaking around some facebook pages [I guess this is the time when I confess that I’ve got a life, and I’m not addicted to facebook. Thanks for asking] and it just hit me, without a decent, proper warning. I was watching some photos of a friend, taken about one or two years ago, while we were still attending to the same school, and the feeling installed in my heart.

I caught myself missing all those insane things we use to do, the times she lost herself eating the cookies I had bake, the times she sincerely hugged me. Gosh, she was quite a girl. Pretty, clever and fearless to say what she wanted to say.

I went to college, and, obviously, we went apart. Yet, I miss that little girl, I really do.

While I was looking at the pictures, I felt this enormous fear of letting life behind – because, sometimes, I feel that’s exactly what I’m doing, day after day. I feel like I’m missing all the things I shouldn’t; loosing my supposed to be friends and the people I talk to; feeling like, in certain moments, I’ve got no one to talk to.

I see everyone else being only normal creatures, going out and keeping in touch with old friends. In the other hand, I look around myself, and it’s like everyone is going away.

I do feel old, nostalgic and the like. Well, some people say they get party blues, and I’m just like them. Furthermore, I get vacation blues. Quite unpleasant, ha?!

To say the truth, I don’t even know where else I should head this post. It seems like my little boat decided to stop in the middle of the ocean, and I decided to quit rowing. So, I’ll just enjoy the view, and try to clean my head. I truly need that. Yet, I’m afraid I’m not able to do it.

After Birthday Considerations

Some things just happen when you quit planning them.

I’ve always been one of those planning freaks, I confess. There was not a single date that I didn’t plan ahead, thinking of every detail, every word, every move. Turns out, when the day came, it couldn’t be further from my plan, and I just felt so bad, because I was never able to achieve what I’ve dreamt.

My last birthday – three days ago – was just like that. I’ve planned it all, and I there was not even one match with my plan.

This year, I kept it simple, exactly for being aware of the enormous differences between reality and my very own utopia. I arranged a small dinner, with my best friends – they weren’t allowed to come. I ended up having lunch with my parents, at the mall and having dinner at home, just like every other day. And in the last few hours of the day, I’ve been talking with my best friend from college.

The dinner with my two friends on saturday became a lunch, yesterday. And yes, it was nice.

It’s been a while since the last time they’ve been in my house. They were only here for a few hours, but now, I always feel like they’ll just appear in my room, or leave the balcony. Now, I’ve got that thing of looking outside, to the balcony where they’ve been yesterday, because it’s like they’re still there. It’s a cosy feeling, and I just adore it.

Nevertheless, in a few moments, there was that weird, uncomfortable silence between me and one of my friends [I guess we can call him B]. It’s so different when we go out alone, without his sister – my best friend [let’s call her D, shall we?!]. Sometimes, when we’re together – the three of us – it seems like there’s an insurmountable barrier between me and B, an entire ocean of things we actually wanted to say to each other, but we can’t, since we’re not alone.

It’s so disturbing. And then comes the time when they go home, and I watch them leave. That’s the very moment when I feel an immense emptiness, as if I was loosing a part of myself.

I often feel like those women whose beloved ones left in a ship, with a one-way ticket, just like I said in Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character.

When he is leaving, sometimes I try not to stare, since, once in a while, I feel like I’d just lose my mind, follow him, and never let him go again. Most of the times, I actually look, though – I just can’t avoid. And with each step he takes, the sense of emptiness increases.

Sometimes I wish it could be just a little bit simpler, and that we could spend more time together, philosophizing, deeply talking about ourselves and our very own ways of observing the world. I wish I didn’t have to stare at him without a word, when the entire world is around us.

I wish we were together in rainy days, just like we did before, walking under my umbrella, since that allowed us to create a brand new and personal world that was just ours, and share moments that felt like a wonderful lifetime.

I wish I could hold him, and never feel like Penelope again. It’s a quite tiring feeling, after all.

Curious Things Actually Happen

It’s not good when you get the feeling that a friendship is splintering in small pieces. You feel like screaming at the person, saying get a life!, and simply walk away – just like I wanted to do.

Yet, something happened.

My phone rang while I was absolutely distracted. It was her, the person I wanted to scream at. It was not a typical thing, since she never calls me. Yesterday, she did it – twice.

When I found that out, I got so worried that I called her immediately. I didn’t think about the scream, or whatever I felt. I just called her. After all, the only thing that actually mattered was to know if she was ok.

She picked the phone with her usual voice and said everything was fine. I felt relieved.

And when I saw her with her brother, a few hours later, I couldn’t feel anything but glad. In a few seconds, we started talking as if it hasn’t been a single day since our last conversation.

That was, honestly, the moment I grasped everything about friendship. Although in the last few days I wanted – among other things –  to walk away, in the moment I thought that anything could have hurt them, I forgot it all. While we were talking, I haven’t felt any weirdness: we were all being sincere and close to eachother as always. And that has never happened about anyone else.

[After all this, get a break, Amy. For once in your life, just relax, pick a pen and some paper, and go to draw. You know you want it.]