an aiming to be designer, with the soul of a writer

Tag: Penelope

After Birthday Considerations

Some things just happen when you quit planning them.

I’ve always been one of those planning freaks, I confess. There was not a single date that I didn’t plan ahead, thinking of every detail, every word, every move. Turns out, when the day came, it couldn’t be further from my plan, and I just felt so bad, because I was never able to achieve what I’ve dreamt.

My last birthday – three days ago – was just like that. I’ve planned it all, and I there was not even one match with my plan.

This year, I kept it simple, exactly for being aware of the enormous differences between reality and my very own utopia. I arranged a small dinner, with my best friends – they weren’t allowed to come. I ended up having lunch with my parents, at the mall and having dinner at home, just like every other day. And in the last few hours of the day, I’ve been talking with my best friend from college.

The dinner with my two friends on saturday became a lunch, yesterday. And yes, it was nice.

It’s been a while since the last time they’ve been in my house. They were only here for a few hours, but now, I always feel like they’ll just appear in my room, or leave the balcony. Now, I’ve got that thing of looking outside, to the balcony where they’ve been yesterday, because it’s like they’re still there. It’s a cosy feeling, and I just adore it.

Nevertheless, in a few moments, there was that weird, uncomfortable silence between me and one of my friends [I guess we can call him B]. It’s so different when we go out alone, without his sister – my best friend [let’s call her D, shall we?!]. Sometimes, when we’re together – the three of us – it seems like there’s an insurmountable barrier between me and B, an entire ocean of things we actually wanted to say to each other, but we can’t, since we’re not alone.

It’s so disturbing. And then comes the time when they go home, and I watch them leave. That’s the very moment when I feel an immense emptiness, as if I was loosing a part of myself.

I often feel like those women whose beloved ones left in a ship, with a one-way ticket, just like I said in Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character.

When he is leaving, sometimes I try not to stare, since, once in a while, I feel like I’d just lose my mind, follow him, and never let him go again. Most of the times, I actually look, though – I just can’t avoid. And with each step he takes, the sense of emptiness increases.

Sometimes I wish it could be just a little bit simpler, and that we could spend more time together, philosophizing, deeply talking about ourselves and our very own ways of observing the world. I wish I didn’t have to stare at him without a word, when the entire world is around us.

I wish we were together in rainy days, just like we did before, walking under my umbrella, since that allowed us to create a brand new and personal world that was just ours, and share moments that felt like a wonderful lifetime.

I wish I could hold him, and never feel like Penelope again. It’s a quite tiring feeling, after all.


Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character

It’s honestly weird when things go out of your control. You imagine something, you define a path, you grasp the visual effect – just like they do in the movies – and everything works, there’s not even one piece that doesn’t match your artistic puzzle.

But then, the unexpected happens and you just see your scenes fall to the ground, burn into ashes.

Despite you’ve felt angry, a few hours later that sense of emptiness will definitely arrive.

Have you ever been invited one hour before the beginning of the event? If you did, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

No, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a normal thing I’ve already said I couldn’t do but, still, people warn me minutes before the meeting. And, notice, that was the second time it occurred.

To say the truth, there’s nothing I wanted to do more than screaming at the person, but I couldn’t. I would, I honestly would if I had nothing to lose, and if I knew for sure I wouldn’t regret that decision.

Despite that, after all, I just felt empty. Empty, because I do talk, socialize, go out and have fun, but always have the feeling that something is missing.

Empty, because I’ve seen this happening before. Moreover, I don’t want this movie to end just like the previous ones. I don’t want a remake. I want a new piece, a fresh start to be seen with a bucket of popcorn, instead of something I’ve seen over and over again, making me sleepy.

I wish I didn’t feel this whole inside of me, that huge lack of support you feel when you’re sixty and you’re tired of being alone.

It’s like I’ve just went to the sea and watch my beloved one leave on a ship, without knowing if he’ll ever return. Yes, that’s the movie I haven’t seen – I don’t remember the departure. I only recall the emptiness of those ancient stories, like Penelope, and much more Penelope’s that remained unknown, unnamed, perfect Jane Does.

I feel like them, in spite I’m not embroidering a tapestry during the day, and undoing it at night. I just wait by the sea, feeling that calm and cold breeze waving my hair; my eyes staring at the water, while time passes without a sound, and I simply remain still.

[No, I haven’t found the photograph in the internet: I took it, a few days ago and absolutely fell in love with that place… ]