an aiming to be designer, with the soul of a writer

Tag: unexpected things

The First ’12 Post

Well, to say the truth, I planned to say goodbye to 2011 and hello! to 2012 right here, at WordPress. Yet, of course, I lost all of my ideas for the last & first writing moment of the year.

I can’t even believe that’s already 2012. I don’t feel like the year has changed. Instead, I feel like this is a typical saturday night spent at home, while my mom is asleep and my dad has just went to bed. I haven’t felt that emotion on the last seconds of 2011, my heart almost skipping a beat while getting closer to 2012. I haven’t seen all my future in those 10 seconds. To be honest, I haven’t seen nothing at all – I was just staring at the numbers as someone who sees the numbers of that unknown lottery that no one bought and had no prize. They were just numbers, and not the numbers that would switch the year on every electronic device we’ve got.

I really felt that Christmas had been oddly calm. Of course, all the mess came together on New Year’s Eve.

I believe that this was, possible, the weirdest NYE I’ve ever lived – at least, it was the one when I truly felt I should be somewhere else, with my friends, instead of being at home, by the fireplace. And that caught me in such an overwhelming way that I lost all the fun, the emotion and so on related to this night. Oh, communication, why are so hard to handle?!

I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could work, or sleep, or write, but I don’t seem to find the strength and/or the words to do it. I wish this was somewhere else, and I could just stare outside without a single word on my mind, or simply melt into the floor.

Or, better, I wish this night could have been what I wanted it be, and I could be on a nice dress & heels, with my best friends and, of course, R., in our almost hometown [the city where we study and absolutely love], having the greatest night ever and, of course, the best New Year’s Eve and beggining of New Year ever.

Oh, how I wish everything could be simpler and I could be there.

[Does that even count as a New Year Wish?! ]

Letting Go

Unexplained, unpredictable, evident yet unsaid farewells are, definitely, the worst ones – exactly because you struggle, day after day, night after night, loosing hours of sleep and wasting inner tears trying to find a reason, and your search leads you to… nowhere.

Yes, I admit that was always something I had to handle with: the absence of words [which is ironic, since words are exactly what I most have, in my mind] and that always bothered me. I wonder where did I go wrong and, obviously, I feel stuck right over there, looking around, looking everywhere, searching every single thing and finding nothing.

I wonder if I wasn’t supposed – simply – to let go and move on; to forget it all and start over; to stop thinking about all of it and begin to build new thoughts, new reminders, new memories. So, if I actually I’m supposed to do it, I wish I could.

I wish I could simply let go – which is, exactly, something I don’t ever feel able to. Letting go is such a hard thing to do, specially for someone like me, who enjoys the unforgettable things and feeds them several times a day, even when they’re not good.

How can a person start over, or, at least, mend, accept the present, and continue to live and quit melancholy? I wish I knew, and could do it. In the meantime, I’ll simply wonder.

William or Words To My Beloved

I wish I would know how to start this, my love. I wish I would.

I wish I had you right next to me, instead of needing to write this – that’s the truth, the actual one. The truth that holds no lie, no omission – nothing but all I’ve always hide and denied.

I miss you, William – more than words can describe. It’s been a long, long time since the last time I saw you; since the last time your smile brightened my existence just for being around; since your eyes caught mine and I felt so embarrassed I had to look away, fearing that you could notice the brightness I wasn’t allowed to avoid.

I wish I had been allowed to say how much I care for you, that I didn’t have to restrain myself every time I wanted to be in your arms.

Oh William, how I wish things could have been different – you’ve no idea of how much.

But no, I can’t stay, love, even though it breaks me into small pieces. I can’t stand the idea of giving you what I’ve got, and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I ever got to hurt you. I just can’t, William.

Of course I don’t seem to be able to forgive myself for this, for not being good enough to have you, for being broken and needing time to figure out who I am, to mend and move on.

I’m so sorry, William, so sorry. Specially because I know you’d say you’d help me to find all the answers I need, and I simply can’t take that offer. I can’t put you into the situation I’ve already handled – trying to heal someone who needs time and reflection.

Don’t even try to think I don’t love you, William. Please, don’t – I loved you since the first time you smiled at me, a long, long time ago. And that’s exactly why I don’t want to cause you pain.

Still, I miss you. And, to be honest, if I could, I’d go back in time and tell you about my feelings while you were near me, while, in a certain way, I had you. But no: one, I can’t turn back time; and two, I never told you because I was afraid to lose you.

Anyway, I ended up loosing you. And now, you’re gone without a clear reason, without a word. Now, I’m alone, missing you despite having figured out I need to be on my own to pick up the pieces and rebuilt my existence.

I never thought I’d lose you, love. Not like this. Not when I thought everything would change, that I’d feel whole again. Not when I had finally found exactly what I’ve always searched. Not when you looked at me that way and I knew, I truly knew you loved me back. Not when I tried to extend each and every single farewell. Not when I wanted to be in your arms, endlessly. Not when we had such a beautiful, tender connection.

I never thought it would end up like this, the way I’d never imagine, the non obvious way, the one I’d never saw coming closer.

We had everything to be great – if I wasn’t that broken and needed to be certain about my own choices. We had, not anymore.

At this time, I can only wish that, one day, when I’m completely aware of myself, it could be different, and we’re finally allowed to be with each other, like we truly wanted to.

In the meantime, I’ll be away.

I’ll miss you, love. Everyday. But it’s the best thing to do, and the best time to do it. I need to clear my mind. I just couldn’t delay it anymore.

First and foremost, I need to know who I am, what I want to do, where do I see myself in a few years, which are my dreams and fight for them with all I’ve got, with all my soul.

Then, I’ll feel good enough to return.

Curious Things Actually Happen

It’s not good when you get the feeling that a friendship is splintering in small pieces. You feel like screaming at the person, saying get a life!, and simply walk away – just like I wanted to do.

Yet, something happened.

My phone rang while I was absolutely distracted. It was her, the person I wanted to scream at. It was not a typical thing, since she never calls me. Yesterday, she did it – twice.

When I found that out, I got so worried that I called her immediately. I didn’t think about the scream, or whatever I felt. I just called her. After all, the only thing that actually mattered was to know if she was ok.

She picked the phone with her usual voice and said everything was fine. I felt relieved.

And when I saw her with her brother, a few hours later, I couldn’t feel anything but glad. In a few seconds, we started talking as if it hasn’t been a single day since our last conversation.

That was, honestly, the moment I grasped everything about friendship. Although in the last few days I wanted – among other things –  to walk away, in the moment I thought that anything could have hurt them, I forgot it all. While we were talking, I haven’t felt any weirdness: we were all being sincere and close to eachother as always. And that has never happened about anyone else.

[After all this, get a break, Amy. For once in your life, just relax, pick a pen and some paper, and go to draw. You know you want it.]

Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character

It’s honestly weird when things go out of your control. You imagine something, you define a path, you grasp the visual effect – just like they do in the movies – and everything works, there’s not even one piece that doesn’t match your artistic puzzle.

But then, the unexpected happens and you just see your scenes fall to the ground, burn into ashes.

Despite you’ve felt angry, a few hours later that sense of emptiness will definitely arrive.

Have you ever been invited one hour before the beginning of the event? If you did, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

No, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a normal thing I’ve already said I couldn’t do but, still, people warn me minutes before the meeting. And, notice, that was the second time it occurred.

To say the truth, there’s nothing I wanted to do more than screaming at the person, but I couldn’t. I would, I honestly would if I had nothing to lose, and if I knew for sure I wouldn’t regret that decision.

Despite that, after all, I just felt empty. Empty, because I do talk, socialize, go out and have fun, but always have the feeling that something is missing.

Empty, because I’ve seen this happening before. Moreover, I don’t want this movie to end just like the previous ones. I don’t want a remake. I want a new piece, a fresh start to be seen with a bucket of popcorn, instead of something I’ve seen over and over again, making me sleepy.

I wish I didn’t feel this whole inside of me, that huge lack of support you feel when you’re sixty and you’re tired of being alone.

It’s like I’ve just went to the sea and watch my beloved one leave on a ship, without knowing if he’ll ever return. Yes, that’s the movie I haven’t seen – I don’t remember the departure. I only recall the emptiness of those ancient stories, like Penelope, and much more Penelope’s that remained unknown, unnamed, perfect Jane Does.

I feel like them, in spite I’m not embroidering a tapestry during the day, and undoing it at night. I just wait by the sea, feeling that calm and cold breeze waving my hair; my eyes staring at the water, while time passes without a sound, and I simply remain still.

[No, I haven’t found the photograph in the internet: I took it, a few days ago and absolutely fell in love with that place… ]