sketchablepaperfold

an aiming to be designer, with the soul of a writer

Tag: wish

William or Words To My Beloved

I wish I would know how to start this, my love. I wish I would.

I wish I had you right next to me, instead of needing to write this – that’s the truth, the actual one. The truth that holds no lie, no omission – nothing but all I’ve always hide and denied.

I miss you, William – more than words can describe. It’s been a long, long time since the last time I saw you; since the last time your smile brightened my existence just for being around; since your eyes caught mine and I felt so embarrassed I had to look away, fearing that you could notice the brightness I wasn’t allowed to avoid.

I wish I had been allowed to say how much I care for you, that I didn’t have to restrain myself every time I wanted to be in your arms.

Oh William, how I wish things could have been different – you’ve no idea of how much.

But no, I can’t stay, love, even though it breaks me into small pieces. I can’t stand the idea of giving you what I’ve got, and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I ever got to hurt you. I just can’t, William.

Of course I don’t seem to be able to forgive myself for this, for not being good enough to have you, for being broken and needing time to figure out who I am, to mend and move on.

I’m so sorry, William, so sorry. Specially because I know you’d say you’d help me to find all the answers I need, and I simply can’t take that offer. I can’t put you into the situation I’ve already handled – trying to heal someone who needs time and reflection.

Don’t even try to think I don’t love you, William. Please, don’t – I loved you since the first time you smiled at me, a long, long time ago. And that’s exactly why I don’t want to cause you pain.

Still, I miss you. And, to be honest, if I could, I’d go back in time and tell you about my feelings while you were near me, while, in a certain way, I had you. But no: one, I can’t turn back time; and two, I never told you because I was afraid to lose you.

Anyway, I ended up loosing you. And now, you’re gone without a clear reason, without a word. Now, I’m alone, missing you despite having figured out I need to be on my own to pick up the pieces and rebuilt my existence.

I never thought I’d lose you, love. Not like this. Not when I thought everything would change, that I’d feel whole again. Not when I had finally found exactly what I’ve always searched. Not when you looked at me that way and I knew, I truly knew you loved me back. Not when I tried to extend each and every single farewell. Not when I wanted to be in your arms, endlessly. Not when we had such a beautiful, tender connection.

I never thought it would end up like this, the way I’d never imagine, the non obvious way, the one I’d never saw coming closer.

We had everything to be great – if I wasn’t that broken and needed to be certain about my own choices. We had, not anymore.

At this time, I can only wish that, one day, when I’m completely aware of myself, it could be different, and we’re finally allowed to be with each other, like we truly wanted to.

In the meantime, I’ll be away.

I’ll miss you, love. Everyday. But it’s the best thing to do, and the best time to do it. I need to clear my mind. I just couldn’t delay it anymore.

First and foremost, I need to know who I am, what I want to do, where do I see myself in a few years, which are my dreams and fight for them with all I’ve got, with all my soul.

Then, I’ll feel good enough to return.

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My Life Could Be A Movie, But I’d Rather Have A Prime Time Series

Here and there, I think that my life would be enough for a movie. Here and there?! Sometimes?! Gosh, what am I saying? I always think that.

However, in the following moment, I grasp reality: three hours would be even less than insignificant, and it wouldn’t even tell a tiny fraction of the story.

No, my life would truly be enough for an entire collection of books, a saga, an actual odyssey of adventures and misadventures transposed from paper to screen film. And it would be broadcast all over the world, so that everyone could enunciate which and how many features of my being, my existence, they’d share.

But it could be better than all of that – since not every movie lasts longer in our memory than the time it takes to reach the bottom of one or two sweet popcorn buckets, or to hear the noise, the attrition between the straw and the ice cubes.

Better and more efficient than being on red carpet once and getting the Oscar for best dramatic movie would be a prime time series. [Yeah, blame me for thinking big!]

Yes, one of those which have countless seasons, which last episodes always end with an intriguing to be continued…

One of those that almost leads the audience to sympathize with the story, because it seems so real and it could happen to anyone [And they wouldn’t know that the story was real and that, in the end of the credits, an any resemblance to real life is not a mere coincidence would be included]

One of those series that in the exact moment that everything seems to be all right, there’s a problem coming, and this scenery would happen over and over again, getting to upset the most insensible ones who, doubtless, would leave the couch with a rude it’s always the same thing! They only do this to increase their ratings!  [Surely they wouldn’t know that lives which, sometimes, look like mexican soap operas actually exist and it’s not all the time they’re solved with a simple channel switch.

It would be great, wouldn’t it?! Oh boy, it would! We all wish we could just switch the program, switch the channel, or even throw the television throughout the window and invest our time in something more useful, profitable and interesting.

They’ll be an amount of poor viewers, those who’d follow the story, my story. At a certain point, they’ll end up feeling just like me. Together, we’d bring companies like Kleenex to the undeniable success;  laugh – perhaps – from nothing at all; appreciate the spring breeze; relish a nice hot chocolate; and tenderly smile hearing ballads – but only the sweet ballads – from Norah Jones.

[Yes, I truly wrote this last sentence hearing Those Sweet Words, one of her sweetest songs, and I just couldn’t avoid smiling]

After Birthday Considerations

Some things just happen when you quit planning them.

I’ve always been one of those planning freaks, I confess. There was not a single date that I didn’t plan ahead, thinking of every detail, every word, every move. Turns out, when the day came, it couldn’t be further from my plan, and I just felt so bad, because I was never able to achieve what I’ve dreamt.

My last birthday – three days ago – was just like that. I’ve planned it all, and I there was not even one match with my plan.

This year, I kept it simple, exactly for being aware of the enormous differences between reality and my very own utopia. I arranged a small dinner, with my best friends – they weren’t allowed to come. I ended up having lunch with my parents, at the mall and having dinner at home, just like every other day. And in the last few hours of the day, I’ve been talking with my best friend from college.

The dinner with my two friends on saturday became a lunch, yesterday. And yes, it was nice.

It’s been a while since the last time they’ve been in my house. They were only here for a few hours, but now, I always feel like they’ll just appear in my room, or leave the balcony. Now, I’ve got that thing of looking outside, to the balcony where they’ve been yesterday, because it’s like they’re still there. It’s a cosy feeling, and I just adore it.

Nevertheless, in a few moments, there was that weird, uncomfortable silence between me and one of my friends [I guess we can call him B]. It’s so different when we go out alone, without his sister – my best friend [let’s call her D, shall we?!]. Sometimes, when we’re together – the three of us – it seems like there’s an insurmountable barrier between me and B, an entire ocean of things we actually wanted to say to each other, but we can’t, since we’re not alone.

It’s so disturbing. And then comes the time when they go home, and I watch them leave. That’s the very moment when I feel an immense emptiness, as if I was loosing a part of myself.

I often feel like those women whose beloved ones left in a ship, with a one-way ticket, just like I said in Life as a Movie; Penelope as the Main Character.

When he is leaving, sometimes I try not to stare, since, once in a while, I feel like I’d just lose my mind, follow him, and never let him go again. Most of the times, I actually look, though – I just can’t avoid. And with each step he takes, the sense of emptiness increases.

Sometimes I wish it could be just a little bit simpler, and that we could spend more time together, philosophizing, deeply talking about ourselves and our very own ways of observing the world. I wish I didn’t have to stare at him without a word, when the entire world is around us.

I wish we were together in rainy days, just like we did before, walking under my umbrella, since that allowed us to create a brand new and personal world that was just ours, and share moments that felt like a wonderful lifetime.

I wish I could hold him, and never feel like Penelope again. It’s a quite tiring feeling, after all.

Wishes – Deep Wishes. Nothing Else.

Sometimes, I just wish it could be easier. Everything, you know?

I wish living in our planet could be simplified, and not the hard thing it is nowadays. I wish I could breathe easily, knowing that I’d afford my college degree and find a job. I wish I could live as a young person, since I’m young and always behaved like an adult.

I wish I didn’t have to worry about a few things I worry.

I wish I could know exactly what to do, and how to do it. I wish I had an honest idea of the answer to the typical where do you see yourself in five years?, because I absolutely don’t. Well, I don’t even know if, in five years, I’ll be in the hemisphere I’m today, so how could I possibly know what and how I’ll be?

I wish a few things could be different, better. I wish that people didn’t have to worry about the insane expenses of their governors, could be sure they’ll have food in their tables and afford their kids a decent life.

I wish I could be like every college student, that keeps her old friends, and once in a while, meets them and attend to class dinners.

I wish I could understand all those statements I read in the internet about debts and familiar economy – stuff I actually needed to know so that I could help my parents – , but the people who write them just tend to forget that society isn’t made exclusively of lawyers. I wish they could understand that, and become more helpful than they are right now.

I wish I could truly collaborate in a creation of a better world but, sometimes, I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.